Fingers Crossed

Well, Thursday's the day we find out what my immediate future will look like. Everyone cross their fingers and toes that the studies and tests and science has shown that I can be done with my treatment now. If that happens, the clock of "you are considered cancer free" starts ticking. 

Thursday the doctor will tell me whether, according to one study, I can be done with my infusions or I need to continue on with Perjata alone and, according to another study and the findings from testing my tumor tissue, whether she recommends I start taking a chemo pill. It continues to be a kick in the pants that my particular cancer has the characteristics it does. 100% Estrogen Receptor positive, HER2 positive. Sometimes I feel like the Big Bad Wolf is lurking over my shoulder while I attempt to field the information, tests, studies, blogs, advice from doctors, advice from not doctors and what makes sense in my own brain to keep him at bay. Some days I put my head in the sand, some days I let it overwhelm me and some days I go into attack mode, trying to understand as much as I can, like I did in the beginning. 

I feel like my body needs a break. And my mind needs a break. I really hope everything is in place for me to just stop. Obviously there's a lot I won't stop. And I won't go into it all here. But my hope is that I hear I'm done with Perjata and my tumor was majority HER2 positive, so no chemo pill. Everyone send your positive juju to Beaumont Hospital around 10 a.m. Thursday. I suppose juju doesn't change the tests and the facts, but it can't hurt. 

Meanwhile, since I last posted things have been going well. I had an infusion just before we left for vacation. I was sure I would be locked up in the house, but it turned out I felt pretty darn good for most of it. I continue to sleep terribly many nights, mostly because of horrible hot flashes, so that was certainly an issue on vacation. Saint Daniel got up everyone morning with James so I could sleep in. They had a ritual of going out to breakfast while the rest of the house slept, Claire joining them most days. 

As far as sleep, last night was probably my worst night yet. Sweating to death one minute, then it stops and I'm cold. All. Night. Long. I almost feel like it's worse than when James was a newborn, but that can't be true, can it? The natural stuff I have been taking seems to have been working, but then I still have a few nights here and there that are just awful. I got my most recent Zoladex shot last Thursday so maybe in the days after it's worse? I should probably keep some sort of journal so I can try to figure it all out, but right now I guess I just don't have it in me. Or maybe it's just getting progressively worse now that I'm a couple of months into menopause. I don't know. 

I also just don't have it in me to make the effort to post photos from vacation, but boy was it beautiful. A week on the cost of Maine. While my friend Erin, a college roommate and incredible human whose house we stayed in, was away all but the last two days of our trip with her family, it was amazing to soak up the calming energy of her house (that's perhaps the hippiest thing I've ever said but I mean it -- stay with me) and their life in Maine. We had an amazing 48 hours with them when they returned (but stayed elsewhere so we could still take over their home). We went sailing, we explored quaint towns and I drank a ton of tea while doing puzzles during James's naps. I feel like I really know Erin's husband Alec now, and their two girls are just lovely. Their marriage is perhaps responsible for my own, but we'll save that story for another day. We also got to see one of Daniel's friends from college and her family not once, but twice. They recently moved to Maine from the Philippines and it was great to get to know them better. 

Now I'm gearing up for surgery. I'll have one last visit with my plastic surgeon today (Wednesday) to go over the details. It's hard to believe September is upon us. We've got a quick trip to Chicago next weekend, then Daniel will be away in Toronto the weekend after. I'll hunker down with James and try to prepare for surgery on the 19th. I'll be headed off to my sister's once again. She and Mom will nurse me back to health while Daniel holds down the fort at home. I anticipate a quicker recovery than my first surgery, from what I'm told (which makes sense). 

Daniel's mom and stepdad will be here this weekend for a bit so everyone is excited for that. Some of our friends are getting hitched on Sunday and we're looking forward to that too. James moves into the Pre-K room at "school" and Claire will start high school on Tuesday. I'm so torn between wanting time to stop and looking forward to watching them grow up. I hope everyone enjoys the holiday weekend! The summer has gone by way too fast.