A Little Check-In

With everything going on in he world I’m not sure anything going on in my world is very important, but after six months I figured I would check in. I’m actually cooking for someone later today, but they asked me to come after Grandma feeds the 2 older kids while caring for the baby. We’re all trying to figure out how to navigate this new normal. I have plenty of work waiting for me, but how to figure out childcare, etc. is the current struggle. Daniel and I are working well together to figure it all out, as his work is ramping up as well.

Quarantine has been… a roller coaster. My doula parter and I (oh — she and I launched Detroit Doulas earlier this year — check it out!) had a client due mid-May but her birthing hospital (U of M) was the only one not allowing doulas still. The pandemic completely changed the doula relationship. Her anxiety about it all caused her to not even speak to us for about 6 weeks. It was bizarre but we did the best we could. Another client and friend ended up not using me/us as they quarantined in another part of the state. BUT now they are back at home and I’ve been doing some postpartum doula shifts with them. I tell you what, there is nothing like snuggling a newborn. I swear it’s better than therapy (no offense to my awesome therapist). It calms me, makes me feel centered and grounded and helps me put certain things in perspective. Perhaps I should be able to do that in other ways, but in the quiet of 3 a.m. with a little babe, it becomes more clear.

ANYHOO, Alex and I are certainly hoping to get more births on the docket for 2020. Many hours into labor, our doula client texted us at 3 a.m. saying she was devastated at how her birth was going and that she was now getting prepped for a C-section. It broke our hearts. Obviously if a c-section is necessary it’s necessary — it’s not just about that. But regardless, we never want a client to feel devastated and we just wish we could have been there to support them in person. That is part of why I am so committed to making the doula thing take off. It can make a big difference in a birth how a family’s journey as parents begins — mentally, physically, emotionally. It’s a weird time to launch something like this — a healthcare-related field, also in a time when many people are short on funds. It has my wheels spinning about becoming a non-profit so mothers who can’t afford it can have support too. Particularly mothers of color who have a much higher mortality rate in birth. Welcome to any big ideas (or donations — ha!) anyone might have.

Healthwise, I’m doing pretty well. I don’t remember the details of my last updates, but I switched my estrogen-blocker a few months ago in the hopes my side effects would be milder. And I would say they are. With the arimidex I had super intense carpal tunnel (making it hard to work) and intense pain in my hips most days. I felt like I was walking around like an old lady. Now I’m on letrozole (I think?) and feel a bit better. It’s mostly my feet, ankles and wrists that hurt. The feet are usually the worst, exacerbated by being on my feet all day when I cook, I’m sure. Basically, when I first stand up after sitting, etc., I have intense joint pain in my feet. So you may see me walk funny sometimes. It usually subsides in a minute or two or is at least tolerable.

Other than that, just the general tiredness, insomnia (as I weaned myself off my sleeping pills), hair loss. I think that’s about it. I’m still getting my monthly shots in my belly. My belly that is ever-expanding thanks to my meds and medically-induced menopause. My oncologist says there’s nothing I can do about that really. It’s just a side effect for most of us. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight. It’s not the number so much as the feeling, appearance and the fact that I don’t have very many clothes that fit anymore. I’m going to try to turn it around a little — just the fact that I can’t afford a new wardrobe! Just another way I’m not in control of my health still, which is frustrating. But I’m trying to embrace the change and accept it. I did buy some new scrubs that I can wear both for cooking and doula work off of Amazon and they are super comfortable.

I’m all set to get my ovaries out and thought I would have by now. Too bad I couldn’t get elective surgeries during COVID when I was out of work anyway. I need to take about 2 weeks off when I do it so I’ll have to wait a bit until I can catch up on some bills. As with many people during the pandemic, finances have been tough. I’m getting unemployment, which has saved me. It’s covered my rent and my insurance and the rest has gone to the wayside. My oncologist referred me to some organizations through the hospital that can help, but they are for people in “active” treatment and I’m not it. And that’s OK. I know a lot of people have it much worse than me. But there has to be a better way. When I’m working I make a good living, but I still have $12,000 in medical bills right now. Not to mention the root canal in my chemo-ravaged teeth that I’ve been putting off because of money. So, instead I’m in pain and also can’t begin the treatment to prevent my osteopenia from turning into osteoporosis, as it can destroy your jaw, etc. if you have any kind of infection in your mouth. (I think I explained this in a past post).

I say all this not to throw a pity party, but if this is my reality — with a good job, healthy enough to work, etc., what is happening for people who are not in my position? Because I somehow manage to pay my $700 a month insurance, my bills are “only” $12,000. And I can’t feel too sorry for myself because I know I’m a lucky one. But also, I can’t fathom scheduling another surgery when I already owe thousands of dollars for the last one, even though in the long run it would probably save money for not needing the $3,000-shots, etc. (of which I only pay a fraction because of my good insurance).

Just know that when you listen to politicians who want to improve our healthcare system, they aren’t just talking about helping people on unemployment or anyone some might see as needing a “handout.” They’re talking about me. They’re talking about people who are in a far worse position than me. OK, I’m starting to go down a rabbit hole and didn’t intend to get into politics here, but man this stuff can be frustrating for me, so I can’t imagine what it’s like for people who weren’t born into the type of privileged situation I was and continue to live in.

Alas, I will put my head down, take my tired bones to work on the days I have James covered and will work as hard as I can to provide for her, pay these bills and get us in a better position than we are now. I’m thankful to have a wonderful coparenting relationship with Daniel. We are truly working together with James at the forefront of our minds. A lot of people don’t have that either.

I didn’t mean for any of this to be a bummer! But there’s some real bummer stuff going on in the world. If it doesn’t effect you, it effects someone you love.

The good news is, I appear to have a clean bill of health. I had my check-up yesterday with the oncologist as well as getting my shot. Everything looks good. They are doing a COVID antibody test and I should get the results soon (unless no news is good news? Not sure). If I’m positive for the antibodies, I will have to go in for a COVID test to make sure I’m not an asymptomatic carrier. Just their new protocol. Granted we don’t know whether having the antibodies means you can’t get it again. But at least it means you either — got it and beat it or came in contact with it and managed to have no symptoms/beat it before it got bad, according to what they told me yesterday.

I hope everyone is well and healthy. I know so many of us have faced so, so many challenges during this time. I know mine aren’t the biggest. I’m grateful to have a healthy family, and supportive friends, family and coparent. I have plenty of food in the cupboard and work waiting for me. I still have no evidence of disease (NED — what people say instead of “in remission” these days.). And a bright light of a soon-to-be FIRST GRADER who rolls with the punches like nobody else I know.

Sunday will be four years since I got that fateful call. June 14 will never be the same for me. But in the days after I wondered if I would ever see my then 2-year-old ever go to school. So I guess I don’t have a lot to complain about after all. Stay safe everybody. Enjoy the sunshine. Stop and smell the flowers. All of that. And remember you have no idea what someone might be going through. Be kind and lead with love.