Ticker's Still Tickin'

I went in today for my quarterly heart ultrasound. The tech said everything is looking good. She had a tough time seeing my left ventricle -- just like last time -- because of the implant. Just as the other woman did last time, she's going to recommend I have a Definity scan. They inject you with this "milky substance," according to her, and it essentially makes the heart glow on the screen -- even through the implant. Last time my doctor saw enough of a healthy heart that she didn't have me do that. We'll see what happens this time. 

The woman doing my scan asked me a couple of questions, then repeatedly kept telling me to get nipples. Yes, they can make you nipples, which I keep telling my plastic surgeon I'm not interested in. And no, I don't want them tattooed either. (BTW, James seems to have been chatting with a few different people lately about how I don't have them and where they went. So be prepared if you run into her. Ha.) No judgments on anyone who gets them, but I don't need them and I just don't want them. Or another surgery for that matter.

Anyway, she asked how old I was, then kept saying, "Get your nipples girl." So I kind of felt the need to say why I don't want them and she would just interrupt me and say, "Get your nipples." I'm not sure if it's better or worse than the woman who has done the last few scans, who said such classics as, "I wish I didn't have to wear a bra," and "Ugh. Mine are so bad. I wish I could just get rid of them." Daniel's response to that idea was "How about someone who doesn't say anything about your body." Yes, that is a better option. 

At this point, my body doesn't feel like my body in many ways anymore. And it does feel like public property. So many people have seen me in various states of undress at this point. I mean, here I am talking about a very specific, generally private part of a woman's body on a public website. It's honestly barely weird anymore. But everyone does have an opinion or comment or is uneasy and doesn't know what to say. I get that. I'm sure I've been there and will be again. 

Make no mistake, this wasn't a "boob job" and having implants isn't the same as having the real thing. What my mastectomy was, was an amputation. I had two body parts amputated. That's why I can be so open, I think. I mean, they don't serve the same import purpose that a leg or arm does -- I get that. Sure, it's nice to be experimenting with new clothes and it has its benefits I suppose. Obviously I'm open to chatting with people. I just wish some people would think before they speak. I'm trying to do more of that myself. 

I feel like I sound angry or annoyed and I'm not. I mostly just shake my head and laugh these days. I know a lot of people read the article I posted on FB recently about how hard life is "after" cancer and reached out to see what they can do. I'm honestly in a really good place right now. I'm seeing a lot of things from a new perspective -- a better perspective and healthier place than before all of this. I think I'm just trying to help. People say dumb stuff to me all. the. time. And that's OK. We're all just doing our best. But know that just because you know someone who had breast cancer, doesn't mean you have to talk to me about her -- especially if the punchline after "she beat it and did great..." is "now it's back. In her brain." (True story). That's just not helpful. Those conversations are awkward for me too. I get it. And being in them is teaching me a lot.  

You would think nearly three months after surgery it wouldn't hurt very much, but I'm still really sore. In places you would expect -- like my incision sites -- but also the center of my chest, parts of my back, etc. I try  not to complain about it, but it's a little annoying. Makes sense that it takes time to heal and I'm PROBABLY not resting as much as I should be. I'm trying. It's a busy time of year and I'm trying to work when I can and mom and run errands and clean up some of the stuff that I let pile up around us for the last year and a half that I didn't have the physical, mental or emotional strength to deal with. It feels good to be organizing and decluttering a bit -- something I've never been very good at, at home.

Here are a few weird things that are happening to my body at this moment:

• My hair is curly -- super curly. With six months of growth it finally looks like a hairstyle one might actually choose. I think I'm blending in with the crowd once again and that's pretty nice. I should probably get it cleaned up, but so far, I'm just letting it grow. Sometimes post-chemo hair stays curly, sometimes it returns to how it was before. I guess we'll wait and see. 

• Thanks to said oil-attracting hair, I have zits at various places on my scalp and all along my hairline. 

• I have a fuzzy face. I've seen people with full-on beards practically at chemo, so I'm not complaining. I've got light, super blond sideburns essentially and down my jawline a bit. I'll have fun watching you all trying to see it now. Just wait for me to walk into the sun. You'll see it. 

• My nails split and break past the skin and it's really painful. At least I haven't totally lost any finger or toenails yet, like many people do post-chemo. I lost about 1/3 of my index nail in Florida (but didn't say anything) and it's growing back. I keep them as short as possible so they don't catch on anything, but the slightest thing breaks and splits them. I hope this phase passes soon!

 * My hair hurts. I know. Weird, right? It did this right before it came out in April and it's been this way since it started growing back in July. If you touch my hair it hurts -- kind of like when you've had a tight ponytail in all day and take it out and where the hair that was in the hair tie hurts. (I know SOME of you must know what that's like). It's like that, but worse. Actually wearing a winter hat is painful. I have to get it on and shift it to where it's not pushing the hair in the opposite direction than it wants to go (I feel like that's what's happening anyway). And because my hair is so curly and soft, people can't help but touch it or run their hands through it. If you have done this -- no worries. It doesn't hurt all the time. Just 80 percent of the time. And a quick run-through is no big deal. Now when James wants to play "Haircutter" that is a different story. I try to grin and bear it because I'm just so happy I have hair for her to pretend cut.  

• I'm still not gaining any weight back. I thought I would. I lost 20 pounds during all of this and assumed it would all come right back the second "real" chemo was over and menopause began. But so far, no. I'm regularly nauseous and usually don't have much of an appetite. When I do -- I really go for it and eat as much as I can stomach. At least food is sounding good to me again. Since I spent so much of the last year and a half wearing sweatpants it didn't matter that my regular clothes didn't fit me. But now I look forward to being able to get some clothes in my new size, even if it's temporary. I am feeling so much better and I want to look the part. I now finally understand why my Grandma June took a cushion to every sporting event she attended. She was bones sitting on a hard surface. I'm still not as skinny as she was, but I feel the same way! The last time we went to one of the football games to watch Claire cheer Daniel and I discussed getting cushions. I think I need to make it happen. 

• My chemo brain is at an all-time high. It's unreal. I hope at some point it gets better. I regularly forget words and have to describe them. I'm constantly using the wrong word when I type or use the wrong version of a word, (I just caught a where/wear and a there/their a minute ago), something I've always been annoyingly particular about. I can't even imagine what it's like to have Alzheimer's or dementia. I guess at least I can describe what I'm talking about until you come up with the word. Maybe they can't? Dozens of times a day I stand there trying to remember what I was about to do. I open the fridge and have to scan the shelves, hoping whatever I was going in there for jumps out at me. Post-It notes and a smartphone are saving me. I have to write most things down or they just won't happen. If you tell me something to add to the grocery list on my way out the door and I don't write it down -- good lucky, buddy. Some days it's frustrating. Some days -- most days -- it's a little funny. But I do worry how it will effect me professionally. I guess we'll see. 

That's about it! I was wrong about how many infusions I had left in the last post. I have one on Dec. 21 THEN I have two in January. I'll get my shot that day too. If I'll be on medication for the next several years or even the rest of my life, I think that means I'm still a patient. Cancer won't be "behind me" as I'll still be taking medicine for it. But holy smokes, it will be nice to go to those every three months appointments (I mean, other than the terror and anxiety). 

Tonight Claire's cheer team went to the hospital as part of a new program they started this year and James and I went along. I have a really cute picture of Claire and James and the site won't let me post it. You'll just have to trust me. Every night in December (from what I understand), a firetruck sounds its alarm at 8 p.m. and the kids in the hospital shine flashlights out of their windows to feel connected to people. Anyone standing down below shines their flashlight up to them. Then the kids go to bed. There were a lot of people there (and Santa! James wouldn't talk to him or give him a high-five, but then talked about him like he was her best friend) and it was really heart-warming (thankfully, as it was freezing outside). I wonder though, will it ever just be "the hospital" to me. Instead I see it and think, "That's where I go for my PET scans. That's where I went when I had to be admitted for X. That's where I park when I go in for my heart scans." Maybe after all this it will be time to move to a new area, to a hospital I've never been to. Or maybe it's good that I have received good care there and feel safe whenever I enter any of its doors. 

One last totally unrelated note! I know I mentioned how I'm working for my friend Stephanie and she makes these great planners that you should totally buy. I'm looking forward to using mine more consistently next year since I'll have more things to juggle and some new adventures I'll be embarking on (more on that later!). I'll spare you the whole explanation, but Stephanie gave me a discount code for my friends and family and you all certain are. You just have to go to her website, iamnaturallyempowered.com, where you can watch a video about the planner OR go right to 2018 planner and buy one. The code is Kirst18. (Full disclosure: I MAY get a cut. Just sayin'.) 

We also are collaborating with my friend Adriel's company Clary Collection. She co-owns it with her friend Jen and, with their slogan of "Naturally Empowering Women" how could we not collaborate? Any day now we'll be offering a box of one small Clary balm, one small Clary oil and the planner. This collection of goodies would retail for $68 and there will be a significant discount. So if you would like to support TWO women-owned small businesses this year, that is another option. The Clary stuff is all I use to moisturize my face and body anymore. And the balm goes on everything from my lips and elbows to James's chapped hands and scrapes.

Whether it's just the planner or the Clary bundle, they will arrive before Christmas if you are buying as a gift! 

Hopefully not much to report until the New Year. Have the happiest of holidays, everyone!