Well, crap.

It's been almost a week since chemo and I've been taking it really easy...mostly. I spent most of the weekend laying low and sleeping, feeling the worst on Saturday for sure. Laying down and sipping ginger ale seem to be the magic elixir. I slept most of Sunday and Monday, and Tuesday was feeling pretty good and wanting to chip in around here. I took James to daycare, stopped at the grocery store and cleaned up around the house a little -- which totally wiped me out. I rested all afternoon and got up to make dinner for the kids.

I was feeling pretty lightheaded and wonky so I was relieved when Daniel said he would go get James. Throughout making dinner I had to sit down several times and eventually, basically passed out. The room went black and I stumbled over to the couch, where I stayed until Daniel and the girls got home. Fortunately, dinner was ready, so I ate a little with the family and went to bed. We debated whether I should have called the doctor, but I didn't have a fever or anything and was sure she would err on the side of caution and send me to the hospital, where I didn't want to go. As I was set to see her today, I figured I could just rest and check in today when I went in for fluids. (Get off my back. I was fine! Ha.) 

I ate a big breakfast (in case not eating enough was part of the problem) and headed in my for my fluids and blood work. Unfortunately, my numbers have TANKED. My white blood cell count is .9 and by neutrophils are .58 -- not good. I am actually shocked that they dropped from 9 to .9 -- that's insane! As I'm not having any symptoms like last time (no fevers, chills, etc.) and my numbers are not as bad as last time, I was sent home with precautions and hope. I'm to continue taking antibiotics, aimed at keeping cdiff at bay, am to follow a neutropenic diet (no raw fruits or vegetables due to the risk of salmonella, etc.), avoid sick people, wear masks when in public, don't share towels, toothpaste, etc., and am to go to the hospital at the first sign of cdiff or an infection -- chills, fever higher than 100.4, cough, sore throat, sores, skin redness or swelling, mouth sores. So, hopefully none of those things will happen. 

I'll continue going in for fluids every couple of days and I guess I just have to hope my numbers are high enough for me to have chemo next week. I just want to get this over with and don't want any delays. Honestly, being hospitalized would be worth it to get that awful daily shot in the stomach to bring my numbers up. BUT, they told me there's nothing I can do in the meantime to make it better, and nothing I could have done to prevent it, for that matter. Not rest, not eat anything in particular, not take anything. I'm going to see if they will do blood work again on Monday when I go in so we can do something if my numbers are even lower. 

Re: the lightheadedness, my nurse and the PA said to increase my salt and electrolyte intake and be careful when going from laying to sitting, sitting to standing, etc. Honestly, I feel pretty rough anytime I'm standing. Very lightheaded and nauseous. So, as much as I'm eager to take the load off of Daniel when I'm able and to live a normal-ish life when I can, my body is clearly telling me to stay in bed or on the couch. I just have to keep my head down and get to June 1 -- three weeks and counting! 

I just posted this to Facebook, but in case you're not on there, I received a sweatshirt today, the proceeds of which go toward a really great cause. And it's a really wonderful, soft sweatshirt. I've recently fallen in love with the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, hosted by Nora McInerny, whose book "It's OK to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)" I'm also reading. She started a foundation called Still Kickin, based on an old thrift store T-shirt her husband was wearing when he had the seizure that led to the discovery of his brain tumor. He died three years later, within weeks of Nora's father and within weeks of her miscarriage (while she was caring for their toddler). Proceeds help out one of their "heroes" each month. They have all kinds of shirts and bags and water bottles and you name it, if you know someone who's Still Kickin and could use a cozy sweatshirt or other nice surprise.  

Two years ago today we said goodbye to our sister-in-law Jessica, on Mother's Day, May 10, 2015. In the years before her death from Cystic Fibrosis, as we raised funds for the lung transplant that never was, and in the weeks after her death, I thought I came to understand what amazingly loving and supportive people we had in our lives. Little did I know, that was just an inkling of what I was to experience this past year. 

It's hard to believe I've been -- WE'VE been -- dealing with this for a year now. It was Mother's Day last year, May 8, when I looked in the mirror and saw something was off after a couple of weeks of having pain. And it was two days later --  one year ago today -- that I finally texted my midwife that "something was going on." Some days I look back on pictures from last Mother's Day -- like the one of me and James at the top of the Go Fund Me page, and wish I could go back to that innocent time. Soak in the simplicity of life that I took for granted. I thought life was chaotic and busy with work and kids and, you know the drill. And it was. In some ways life now is at a slower pace, but it's certainly not simpler or easier. I'm still discovering and learning how this whole thing is going to affect me, my future, our family. One thing that has never been more evident is how fortunate I am to have such a strong support system, right here in my house and extending to everyone reading this right now. I guess I say it a lot, but thank you all for everything from your well-wishes to dinners to donations to helping to care for James. I wouldn't be still kickin' without you.