One Last Update Before Surgery

Hi, there! Busy going to appointments every day and preparing to be away from home and for my family to have ME away from home. It's been a busy week, but perhaps that's a good thing. Not too much time to think. They are changing up my medication and that has proven to be a little tough on me mentally/emotionally in addition to the menopause this week. I start a new drug today that will hopefully help with a few things, including hot flashes. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself and remember that these things are, in fact, having an impact on me in many ways -- my energy, patience, and even brain function. (I swear I can barely remember my own name some days). My body and mind are different than a "normal" 39-year-old right now, so it makes sense some days I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. 

Daniel and I went to Chicago over the weekend and it was lovely. We saw his favorite band Thursday night then we had TWO FULL DAYS of no real schedule for the first time in a long time. While my friends were disappointed to not have James there, it was the first time we've returned to Chicago without her in the 3 1/2 years since she was born. I'm not going to lie, it was glorious. Ha. We had a lot of alone time walking around Chicago together and had a bbq with friends on Saturday, many of whom I haven't seen since our last trip to Chicago in March of 2016. I stayed up way too late and came home completely exhausted. It was worth it. I can't see us getting back there before maybe next spring so I tried to live it up. I've also not been able to get giardiniera pizza out of my head. (You read that right. So good).

Working has been good for me. I'm mostly on a computer, sitting down. Who would have thought I would enjoy that again. ;) It's good to feel like I'm accomplishing something, using my skills outside the house AND I get free baby snuggles and a little girlfriend time while I'm at it. Although, I will say, we are on task 99% of the time. Steph is a self-employed mother of a 4-month-old -- we both know that we only have so much time to fit it all in! I remember when I nannied for my sister's family, she would say I took forever to grocery shop. Not a complaint so much as a question of what the heck took so long. Now I get it. Time is of the essence more than ever when you're a mom. Get in and get out. What the heck was taking me so long? There's more work to be done! Anyway, unfortunate timing that my surgery is next week, RIGHT when our main project is essentially set to launch, but I got as much done as I could with her this week. I can't wait to share it with you all. Hopefully it will only be a couple of weeks before I'm at least able to do some computer work from home for her. Aside from my hot flash reminders every hour or so, when I'm working I kind of escape all the cancer crap and just feel like a human and that's nice. 

Regarding the website here, I'm still trying to get my domain back. It's between the time when it expired but I could have renewed it and when it's released back to the world so I can snatch it up again. I tweaked a few things and this post will be a test as to whether it will go out via my subscription service tonight at midnight. If not, you'll know you just have to go straight to kirstenkickscancer.squarespace.com directly from time to time to check for updates until I figure something else out. I'll have Daniel post here after the surgery Tuesday for anyone who's interested. Though I'm quite confident (let's hope!) that it will say, "She's awake, it went fine," and perhaps include some other crack about a joke he told me while I was still half in the anesthesia bag. I should be done around noon. 

I know it's not supposed to be "as bad" as the last one -- which makes sense -- but I'm obviously not exactly looking forward to it. It's still surgery and it's still scary. Fingers crossed all goes well. I've got my painkillers already and I'm going to start packing up. Though I try not to complain about it too much, I'm in constant pain. I've gotten used to it mostly, as it's rarely excruciating, but I think and hope a lot of it will improve after these expanders are out of my chest and the much softer implants are in place. You would be surprised how painful it is trying to put on a tupperware lid, close a window or -- lord help me -- wind a hose back up (full disclosure: mine's been uncoiled laying across my backyard for a couple of weeks now...). 

My sister will be away for a few days just after my surgery so my mom will be flying solo watching the boys and me at her house in Milford. Maybe it's time those boys took care of me to make up for all those years I was changing their diapers though, am I right? And of course I'll hopefully get a visit from Daniel and the girls at some point over that first weekend too.

Thanks to everyone who continues to reach out, send cards and notes and gifts, and who has offered to help Daniel or come by with food, etc. after my surgery. I think we'll largely be in the same boat as last surgery in terms of my limited abilities and recovery so it's much appreciated!

Last night I heard a statistic my oncologist told a fellow patient and now friend of mine regarding our estimated life expectancy post this type of breast cancer (while explaining to her why she should now take that darn chemo pill I narrowly escaped). I won't share the number here because it's messing with my mind, but know it's not nearly big enough and involves me never seeing James be anywhere close to my current age. It's the first thing I thought of this morning and I can't shake it. I guess it's a big wake up call for me to right the ship. Focus on what I want my life to be, what choices I need to make in my daily life and how to stay motivated to be the healthiest version of myself I can be. I also need to remember that it's an average, not the rule. Of course, I've never been one for rules much anyway.