Surgery Next Week

It’s been a few months since I’ve checked in and I’m having surgery next week, so I thought I would post an update. I keep thinking I’ll have the time and energy some night, but my to-do list never gets completed and I just haven’t gotten around to it. I couldn’t get all my stuff around today before taking James to school, so I figured I would crank one out real quick while I’m getting ready for work.

I’m having another revision surgery on my chest next Friday. It should be the easiest of my surgeries to date. Only on the left side and isolated to my chest. I have to be off my feet and do nothing for 2 weeks, which will be difficult if it really isn’t very bad. My mom is going to come to watch James for the first few days. My boyfriend, Durand, will take me to surgery (and is insisting on spending the night there despite the fact that he lives about 4 minutes from the hospital!) and I will spend the first few days at his house recovering. Staying there as I don’t think I will get much sleep with James around, though I think she and my mom will visit me hopefully. I may just stay there until Thanksgiving. After my post-op appointment he and I will head to Ionia Wednesday afternoon and James will be with her dad for Thanksgiving and several days after. Still working on someone to help me out the second part of the second week on my days so he doesn’t have to take her the whole time and can actually get some work done.

If things aren’t symmetrical or looking great after this surgery, I don’t care. I’m done. It’s OK. The surgeon said he would like to do more fat transfer in a year or two after healthy blood supply has had a change to establish itself, so we’ll see about that.

I’ve also decided to get my ovaries out. I’m getting a $1,600 shot each month to shut them down, putting me into menopause. To me, getting them out seemed so final and unnatural. I wasn’t ready. I always wanted to have a second child. In fact, when I first had the pain in my breast that ultimately turned out to be cancer, the first thing I did was take a pregnancy test. Not sure if I ever told anyone that. To have a child now wouldn’t be safe or would require more money and effort than I can fathom. I’ve spent a lot of time mourning my baby that never was. I always thought I would have two. I loved being pregnant. And I was damn good at birthing that baby. I think that’s part of the reason why I wanted to become a doula. To be a part of the process and help parents bring their babies into the world in a calm (relatively!) and healthy manner without fear is so fulfilling. Anyway, more on that later, I guess. I won’t be having anymore children of my own and that’s OK. I still cry or at least get choked up every time I get my six-month heart check-up. The only time you hear that noise usually is when you’re pregnant and they listen to the heartbeat. And I still can’t go into a yoga studio because the last time I did (other than the 2 times I tried during treatment) was when I was pregnant. SO, clearly, I’m not over it yet. But I’m getting there.

As the recovery also is 1-2 weeks, I tried to see if I could piggy back it with this surgery, but I can’t. They have to inflate my abdomen and do it laparoscopically, so it messes up the chest field. I met with my OBGYN and will probably do it in a few months, when I can afford to take more time off . She said 7-10 days usually is plenty.

I had my six-month check in with my oncologist last month. Everything looks good and on Nov. 28 I’ll officially be cancer free three years, as it’s the anniversary of my mastectomy. Getting ever closer to that five-year milestone that is supposed to mean so much. Lately, I’m longing to have a day where I have no reminders. No aches and pains. No appointments and surgeries looming. Energy to keep up with James. Fewer pills and vitamins to take. I think I thought by now I’d feel more “normal,” whatever that is, but I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that this is my new normal. I guess sometimes I forget.

I try not to feel sorry for myself. And I try not to complain. But I have been straight up struggling lately and I can’t help but have moments of sadness or anger. But they are just that — moments — and they pass pretty quickly . The side effects of one of my medications I’m on — which stops my body from absorbing estrogen (more or less) — are finally affecting me. I thought I was the one person unaffected. Ha. Turns out, it’s cumulative and after 2 1/2 years of taking it, it’s hitting me hard. Among the side effects I’m experiencing: insomnia, bone and joint pain, neuropathy (also from chemo), carpal tunnel, fatigue, hair loss. In the last six months it’s all become unbearable most days. Or at least some days. And I don’t say that lightly. Again, I try not to complain, but I’m struggling.

The insomnia isn’t horrendous. I had my first doula client — a 40-hour labor that resulted in a beautiful baby girl on Sept. 26. While on call for that I reevaluated the need for my mild sleeping pill. I started taking it at a time of high stress, anxiety and, quite honestly, depression. I’m in a much better place emotionally and mentally now. If James wakes up I’m fine. I don’t take enough to even be unable to drive. But I would prefer to not be on it. So, with my doctor’s consent, I’ve weaned myself off of it. It’s been a few weeks and most days I do OK. I’m going to stick with not taking it for now. Get through my surgery recovery and see where I’m at.

I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel a few months ago. I have some pretty sweet braces I wear to sleep. I’m supposed to wear them when I’m “sitting around” too, but I really don’t do much of that. Being on my feet for 8+ hours a day and chopping, etc. isn’t helping. My right hand, wrist etc. is horrible. Some days it hurts to hold a pen, but I’m powering through. Sometimes, the pain is so intense I can’t sleep, even with a sleeping pill. The neuropathy isn’t as bad. I just have a numb fingertip or two from time to time throughout the day.

The bone and joint pain is getting worse. Mostly after sitting or being in one position for more than a few minutes. I’ve had multiple people ask why I’m walking “that way.” I often can’t sit cross-legged for more than a few seconds before I have to straighten them because the pain in my knees is so intense. I’m trying to keep up with working out, but it’s getting increasingly harder. That plus menopause in general is adding to my waistline, but I don’t know that there’s much I can do about it at the moment.

When I told my doctor at my appointment that I feel like “an old lady” (no offense to the old ladies reading this! Ha.) she said that’s exactly what everyone says. It’s expected and normal. She switched me to a different medication that does the same thing with he hopes that I’ll have fewer or less severe side effects. She said you never know when one will effect someone less than another. Bodies all respond differently to the slight variations. I think my hair is falling out less (I have about half the hair I had six months ago — it was coming out in clumps daily), but the pain, etc seems to be the same.

There’s one more pill they can try to see if that’s better, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I’ll have another appointment in two months so we’ll see how I am. I still haven’t started taking my drugs for my osteopenia because my teeth issues aren’t yet resolved. That is supposed to cause even more bone and joint pain, but I don’t want it to progress to osteoporosis at 41 so I’ll do what I need to do.

That being said, I am trying to figure out how to be on my feet less. After an extremely slow first half of the year at work, I’m busier than ever and beginning to catch up on bills and loans. I think six months from now I’ll be in decent shape. But I’m overwhelmed, staying up too late trying to get it all done and I’m tired. I’m so grateful to be working so much and busy again, but I think I’ll have to scale back for my sanity after the new year.

I’m trying to do things that support by body the best it can. I quit drinking almost three months ago, I’m eating well. I try to sleep more/get to bed earlier than I ever have. Some days my body decides for me — I’ve literally fallen asleep typing on my computer. I guess in some ways it’s nice that I can blame the medication, blame the cancer and know that it’s not just that I’m weak or out of shape.

So, I’m trying to pivot in my career to something that’s less taxing on my body. In a perfect world I would cook 2 days a week and take 2-3 births a month as a doula, so I’m going to try to make that happen. I have to find — well, first I have to find clients! Then I will procure back-up for my two cooking days and need to figure out what I will do if/when a birth happens on a day James is at my house. Taken only 2 or three births a month means more quality time with her, and a less harried, more patient mom, so I’m hoping any time away from her at a birth would be worth it. During the one birth I did in September, she asked Durand, “Why is my mom helping another family instead of being here with her own family?” (paraphrase). OUCH. I can’t cook full-time and doula, so I am trying to put myself in a position that is best for both me and James, while still making enough. Adulting is hard, huh?

In the last few months, I’ve watched “cancer friends” I have made get horrible diagnoses and one even passed away. She left behind a teenager who is struggling and a little one who will probably never remember her. Another went in to get a hysterectomy — she was going to get her ovaries out but she was having a lot of unexplained bleeding so they decided to do a hysterectomy. She woke up from surgery to learn they had found her abdomen was full of tumors. She has two elementary age children and is recently divorced.

I know it seems like I’ve complained a lot in this post, but really, I’m just explaining what’s the latest with me. The reason why I don’t walk around complaining or even feel upset by all of this most days is because I know I’m lucky. I’m happy. I’m healthy. And I’m alive. I have a lot to be thankful for and that’s not lost on me for a second.

I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving. Count your blessings on that day and every day. I know I will be. <3